Pause the Gameplay

This year started out great with a lot of wonderful habits being developed. I returned to school with a lot of hope for this semester, academically, socially, and personally. I was going to give time to daily reading and writing, I was going to break some bad habits like nail biting, and I had befriended and was conversing with a nice guy. When classes started, things continued to go really well–a scary kind of too-good-to-be-true. And it kept going on the up and up.

But things started to take a downward turn. No, it didn’t all go to hell. I’ve had my melodramatic moments and I’ve shed more than a few tears recently, but I’m still pretty well together. But pretty well together doesn’t really mean a whole lot. I might just be doing the stupid thing where I’m like “at least I don’t have cancer” or some other asinine comparison that devalues some other group of people.

To be honest, I’ve been feeling rather “meh” about many of the things that used to really make me happy or I was passionate about. The SPCA doesn’t seem super appealing; the writing project I was giving a lot of time to at the beginning of the year seems dull and uninviting; everything that’s ahead of me just doesn’t seem as wonderful or exciting. I’ve lost my shimmer in a way.

I think I invested too much hope and energy in the nice guy. He’s still a facet of my life–albeit a confusing facet–but I was suffocating him like cellophane when all he needs right now is some space, and fortunately, he remembered to bring the metaphorical scissors and now he’s getting the space he needs. And I think I need some space too. I think I whittled down my interests too much this semester, claiming I couldn’t handle a lot of my plate. Ha! My plate is pretty empty. I need to fill it with things, even if those things just look like me sitting at my laptop for prolonged periods of time typing for a short period before making frustrated dinosaur noises and staring at the screen for a while.

I want to find myself again. I’m not sure how. I think I need to find something that excites me, some kind of project to work on. I need to get back to doing things, get back to my own life instead of waiting for someone else’s life to intersect with mine every so often. I need to be myself and do the things that I love. I need to read and write more. I need to get back to the SPCA and get back to talking incessantly about dogs. I need to get back to working hard at school and giving it my all. I need to get back to getting exciting about my future and believing that this summer and all the rest that is ahead of me is all kinds of scary wonderful. I need to stop treading water and start going somewhere.

I think I’m going to start by trying to go here on the daily. I think this will be a good place for me to express myself and push me to share some of the creative stuff I’ve been working on or interacting with. I don’t know if anything will actually come of this or if I’ll just give up on this like I’ve given up on a lot of other projects, but I’m hoping that this will get me going again, back to myself.

So here’s to high hopes and low expectations, friends.

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2 Comments

  1. Ugh. I’ve been there. The only thing I can recommend is long, regular walks — because that’s the kind of thing people always seem to recommend to me when I get stuck! Seriously, though — do yoga for 60 minutes a day, or go for a long walk where you force yourself to look up at the sky. Listen to good music while you do it.

    Someone smart once told me that when we beat ourselves up about not doing the things we think we *should* be doing, we find it hard to enjoy the things we *want* to do. Don’t know if that relates to your situation, but it’s worth thinking about.

    Also, eventually spring will come — and that always helps me!

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